Dear Jesus: I’m sorry.
Dear Jesus:
This is a difficult letter to write. It’s difficult because I generally like you. Everything you’ve ever said made perfect sense to me—except for the whole Son of God thing. That was just nuts. I think it was all that wine you drank at Cana. Hahaha. Good times.
Anyway, my point: I’m sorry, Jesus, but I think we should end our friendship.
I know you aren’t used to rejection, but you know I’m right. I mean, we’re very different people, Jesus. We come from very different worlds. You’re a carpenter in the Middle East. You live at the turn of the last millennium. I’m a writer living in the United States in the year 2010. You don’t even know what the United States is. A microwave would flummox you. I wonder if you can even tie shoelaces. How can we be friends? Think about it. We have nothing in common!
And another thing, I don’t really like your other friends. I find them to be very limited people. I mean, I get it. They love you. They love Jesus. But that’s all they ever talk about. They’re always telling me how great you are. They want me to go find you and talk to you. They tell me the same stories about you over and over and over. Some of them even scream out your name in ecstasy. I’ve seen this with my own eyes! They’re obsessed with you, man. It’s creepy.
I know. I know. You’re very protective of your flock. I’m sorry. I did like some of your past acquaintances. Leo DaVinci was chill and that Dante guy was awesome, but this new bunch you’ve gathered, I don’t know. I’ve never had a stimulating conversation with any of them, and I’ve really tried. Jesus, you know I’ve tried.
I’ve tried very hard to work things out with you and your group, but I’ve had enough. It’s pointless. We both know it. And, quite frankly, I’m emotionally exhausted from having you in my life. We’re just wrong for each other. It’s not going to work. We’re through. Don’t contact me anymore.
Please respect my decision and don’t become some creepy stalker. You’re better than that, Jesus. Please move on.
I wish you the best.
Yours in Self-Reliance,
Charles Bivona
P.S. Please tell your friends to leave me alone, too. Thank you.
Tags: Atheism, Buddhism, Catholic Church, Christianity, Comedy, Jesus, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ Superstar, Literature, Philosophy, Schizophrenia, Writer, Writing
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February 10, 2010 at 11:24 am
Try being a teenager and hanging out with these people. I mean, I was pretty naive as a teenager – i fell for their crazy, because I thought I was crazy. Well, I am a little crazy, but not THAT crazy. Youth group trips to Great Adventure were…well…umm…interesting. I think that’s where they lost me. It was a rock concert, for God. I mean, great! I was all for new ways of celebrating the Lord, but rock ‘n’ roll and God just didn’t sit right with me. All I kept thinking about was lighting up a joint, or “double fisting” some beer. I just couldn’t get all wild ‘n’ crazy when I was supposed to fear this man in the sky! I mean, what if, at any moment, he was to just strike me with lightening because I was participating in music that His people explicitly warned me against? I was confused, and I just wanted to get drunk. I truly believe this was the gateway to my party years.
8)~
February 23, 2010 at 2:43 pm
Since I openly declare myselft a “atheo” every christian friend tray a new stupidity. I am please
you you Charly. great job
May 30, 2010 at 5:33 pm
This is an amazing letter. I don’t know why. Maybe because it seems to related to my current situation with a friend of mine. However, I do believe God is out there; and somehow, I think, Jesus was a favorite of his, and there’s so much that doesn’t make sense to me, but I’ve realized that there’s so much I’ll never know. I really hope you figure out there’s something bigger than all of us out there, even if you can’t understand, like most of us, what in the heck everything means.
Best of Wishes for Your Future,
Soph