Introduction: Priests don’t do anything for themselves.
I have been working as the church janitor for three weeks now. In that time, I have learned one bedrock truth. Priests don’t do anything for themselves.
For example, on any given work day my duties may include: changing the batteries in the monsignor’s remote control, plugging in Father Joe’s air conditioner, pre-setting the morning coffee, setting the timers on the lights and the heating–priests don’t turn dials–doing the priestly laundry, vacuuming the holy floors.
It gets worse. All the closets are rigged like refrigerator doors. When Father so and so opens his closet: let there be light! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
This is, of course, justified by an evangelical argument. The good Fathers must devote all of their worldly energy to the service of God. And since cooking and laundry consume time and energy—resources that can be used spreading the word of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, obviously, the priests need a maid and a personal chef. Logically the Church employs a small cadre of low-wage slaves to perform the menial tasks of grocery shopping and the cleaning of a living area.
This is where I come in. The economy being what it is, I took a part-time job that I am grossly overqualified for. I spend twenty hours a week—at $11.00 an hour—being at the rectory’s beck and call. I do everything from mopping and cleaning toilets to getting keys copied and building new furniture.
I vacuum the church. I wash the windows. I have a key ring for most of the locked doors, but there are doors I do not have to key for. That’s how I know I don’t belong in that room, I was told.
I put my head down. I smile. I pretend to be simple and quiet—without too many thoughts. So, people talk to me.
The priests try to enlighten me. The office workers try to teach me about love and relationships. My boss tries to make me a man. It is very frustrating, but I have bills to pay, so I take it.
This blog is my solution. It will be my outlet. I will report what I observe. I will rage when I need to. I assure you there will be many jokes.
This is the true story of an atheist writer who was forced to clean God’s toilets for rent.
Enjoy!
United States of America, 2010.
Tags: Atheism, Buddhism, Catholic Church, Literature, Philosophy, Writer, Writing
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